Wasted Emotion
Originally posted on July 25, 2007
Kohana: Asher, will you tell me more about your family?
Asher: Sure, what do you want to know?
Kohana: Anything you haven’t told me. I know your Grandmother raised you, and that your parents are both….
Asher: Gone, yeah. Long time ago. Hey, don’t look like that. It’s not like we could miss them since we never really knew them. We had pretty good childhoods, all three of us. Sure, there was just my Grandma, but she really was a great parent.
Kohana: But not perfect, surely.
Asher: No, not perfect. Damn near though. Still don’t know how she did it. She was one amazing lady. I wish you had gotten to know her.
Kohana: Me too. I bet she would have wanted to tell me all those embarrassing “Little Asher” stories.
Asher: She would have! And she would have liked you - a lot. I only wish…. Well. Want a story from me? Not a funny little boy story, but something more serious.
Kohana: Of course.
Asher: Sometimes I think about it – how it all might have been different if I hadn’t…
Kohana: You sound so sad. I’ve never heard you like this, not once. I’m sorry if I brought up sad memories for you.
Asher: No, that’s not it….. You know how sometimes you make a choice, and even if you didn’t mean it to turn out badly, you still feel guilty when it does?
Kohana: (very quietly) Oh yes, I definitely know that one.
Asher: I’m sorry – I remember what Kaida told me about Akio. Maybe…. Maybe my situation and yours weren’t all that different. Never thought about it like that.
Kohana: So what happened?
Asher: You know my father was an actor, right?
Kohana: I think you told me that once, yes. Was he a very good actor?
Asher: I don’t really know, and it doesn’t really matter. What matters is he was a lousy human being. But when I was a kid I didn’t know anything about him, not what he was like, not what he did for a living, nothing except that he had talked my mother into leaving school to elope, then treated her like dirt. That I heard, even though it wasn’t from my grandmother.
Kohana: Oh, Asher….
Asher: Anyway, one day when I was a sophomore in high school, some kid approached me about being in the school play. They needed someone really tall, and everyone else had basketball practice. So he asked me about auditioning. And I did. Didn’t think I should say anything to Grandma until I found out if I got the part or not. So I didn’t say anything, and then….. I got the part. So I went with my news to surprise her.
Kohana: Uh-oh.
Asher: Yeah, sure wasn’t the scene I was expecting when I told her. Looking back I think it was all she could do to keep her composure, and there I was, feeling all hurt because she wasn’t proud of me for doing something so “wonderful.” Instead she actually got mad at me – something that almost never happened. I mean, Eli used to get her goat all the time, but not Eron, and not me.
Kohana: What did you do?
Asher: Nothing. Grandma got over it in a couple days and was just great about taking me to practices, even came to the dress rehearsal and all three performances. But afterwards, when I told her I was joining the drama department, she about had a cow. She’d thought I would get it out of my system I guess, but I fell in love with the whole scene instead, and it about broke her heart. So….. she told me about my father.
Kohana: Oh. I’m so sorry, Asher.
Asher: Well, and this is the part that makes me feel guilty. I didn’t let it make any difference to me. I wanted what I wanted, and that was all I cared about. I was so totally selfish that I…
Kohana: Oh, no, no you were not. Asher, you were a teenager, trying to find your way, become independent. All excited about the possibilities of something you were learning to love. I can only imagine what it would have felt like if someone had told me I could never study medicine because my father had been a doctor, and coincidentally, a poor excuse for a human being. He isn’t either of those things, but I know if I was faced with that choice I would have done exactly what you did. I would have followed my heart.
Asher: My heart should have had a little more consideration for a lady who gave up her whole life to raise me, don’t you think? I was old enough to know better, but I didn’t let it matter. So I hurt her, and I kept on hurting her with each new play and each bigger role. And if that wasn’t enough, I went on to major in theater in college.
Kohana: By then your Grandmother should have known that you weren’t going to turn out like your father, even if you did follow the same career pathway. But I suspect she had a blind spot about actors, didn’t she?
Asher: I suppose she must have. Another thing I never thought about before. We let it keep us from being close for a long time. I guess we were both too proud to settle it for good. And it kept me away from home; almost every holiday I visited friends or went on trips, when I should have been home. Maybe if I had been there more…..I don’t know.
Kohana: If you had, then what, Asher?
Asher: Maybe I would have seen some sign of her illness. Before it was too late.
Kohana: Oh, Asher, no. Please tell me you don’t really blame yourself?
Asher: It does sound pretty lame when I say it like that, doesn’t it? It makes no sense to feel guilty, but you and I both know guilt rarely makes sense.
Kohana: And it is almost always a wasted emotion.
Asher: So it is…. Hey….
Kohana: Yes?
Asher: Grandma always used to say “waste not, want not”. So instead of wasting any more emotion…..(he pulls her close) let’s indulge in the kind that won’t be wasteful…
Kohana: Mmmmm, I like the way your grandmother thought.
